Coming back from vacation was hard. After six weeks of adventure and sunshine, coming back to little Walnut, CA put my internal clock and my mental state of mind in a rut. I was sleeping during the day and wide awake during the night. It was frustrating because the first thing I wanted to do when I got back home was start applying for jobs. For some reason, I felt like I didn’t quite have my life together, even though the whole point of my trip to the Philippines and Bali was for me to have some clarity.
So I did a little purging. I painted the horrendous green and yellow walls of my room an off-white color. I nicely displayed all my new Balinese souvenirs throughout my room. I took down all my posters and artwork that I thought didn’t really speak to me anymore. The past two years, I’ve collected posters of concerts I’ve either worked on for Titan Radio or have attended to write reviews for. I used to display all my concert tickets on my cork board along with my backstage or press passes. And for some reason, they just didn’t speak to me like they used to, so I took them down and shoved them in my closet.
The horrendously green and yellows walls that used to plague my room.
I had no idea at the time, but in a sense it was me telling myself what I really wanted, and what I needed to do. But I didn’t see it, I just saw it as me getting rid of clutter in my room. So a week after I came back I finally started applying for jobs. I went in with the “as long as I apply to a shit-load of jobs, someone is bound to hire me” kind of mentality. I started applying to marketing jobs, event coordinating, social media, PR, basically anything that I had experience doing. I didn’t even bother to specifically apply to entertainment or music companies, which is what the last three years of my life has revolved around. I just wanted to work because I thought I had bills to pay and a car to buy.
One week later, a company called me in for an interview. Long story short, what I thought was going to be a creative marketing position turned out to be sales. I accepted the position initially, and ended up crying for the rest of the day. I blamed my small ink of depression on my mom, who pointed out if I went along with the job then I wouldn’t have time to sing anymore. I think the thought of not having time for singing put me in a state of angry shock. I realized this isn’t what I wanted to do at all. The next morning I called and declined the position. And from that point on, I decided I was going to be a Disney princess at Disneyland. I wasn’t going to put that small dream of mine in the backseat anymore. Am I going to be one for sure? I have no idea. I haven’t been to an audition in years. Do I care? No. Although the uncertainty is killing me, I just want to say that I tried.
I see my friends on Facebook, and I’m really proud of my friends who are working and doing what we all set out to do after college, but at the same time a little jealous. There’s still a little part of me that beats myself up about not “adulting” at this very moment. I’m always at a constant battle with my ego, one part telling me that I need to get my shit together and another part reminding me that I’m only 21-years-old with no bills to pay, so getting my shit together can wait. But my dreams can’t.